My Biggest Fear

So what is a guy like me scared of

There must be something?!?

And there is!!

Heights

Heights scare the living daylights out of me! Or at least they used to. It sounds weird, a freerunner being scared of heights but it’s true! I call it facing my fears. What better way to get over being scared of heights than being up high; climbing on cranes and buildings; but you know what, I’m still scared! I will always be scared but I learn to deal with it better. But that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about a fear of mine I have never learnt to deal with; one I probably never will; but we will get around to that. I have never told anyone about this fear of mine but it is something that petrifies me.

So what are you scared of

What could possibly be worse than heights

that you can’t overcome

Let me tell you like this

As a kid I had this dream, it seemed so real and is the clearest dream I’ve ever had; I can remember it till this day as clear as day almost 10 years later, I actually still have this dream sometimes. I am in bed and for some reason my floor is black and white chequered; call for someone to come help me and its a good 5 minutes of shouting before anyone comes, my dad is at the door and I ask him to come talk to me and help me but he is just at the door saying I’m fine. He finally agrees to come over but as he is walking over the room is getting bigger and he just can’t get to me. He apologises and leaves as I burst into tears on my bed; feeling isolated and alone.

That’s my biggest fear

contradicting my last blog

I’m scared of being isolated

and alone

I hate the feeling of being all alone, with no one to turn to. The worst part is this is an irrational fear, a phobia if you must. I have plenty of people in my life I can talk to and ask for help but it’s not that easy. When I am upset or depressed, anxious or even manic sometimes I start to feel alone. It makes my heart sink and I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel like I need someone there for me; even if they aren’t physically there. But that’s it; sometimes they are physically there; but to me they aren’t.I could be having a meltdown in the same room as you and I would hide it, not let you know and feel like I’m on my own completely. All I could want is someone to be there and it’s like I don’t realise that you are. Even if no one is; I will look through all my contacts, facebook friends and think to myself that I can’t talk to any of them because that’s how alone I am.

It’s like I’m trapped in my own mind

trying to escape and reach out

but my body has locked me out

and isolates me from everyone

I shut myself off and try to hide in a corner so I am in a physical position of what I emotionally feel. While I do this it’s like my brain is screaming out to me to talk to someone and tell them about it, a voice in my head I can’t mute but I still don’t say anything; I can’t, it just doesn’t happen; it’s like a sense of paralysis. After it has passes I still don’t say anything; just carry on as if nothing had happened; because no one needs to know how scared I am to reach out and ask for help; or even worse how I feel I need to! It’s hard to explain but basically I get so lonely and want to talk to someone but my body doesn’t let me so my brain screams out for me to just do it while I shut down and cry usually; but what can you do. It’s like I’m trying to face my fear of isolation and loneliness by putting my self in a state of isolation and loneliness……..

To Summarise;

I climb stuff because I’m scared of heights

I contradict myself on a daily basis

In my mind is a cage for me

Shhh I’m writing (he says sitting in an empty house all alone)

Who needs friends?!?

Most peoples everyday

Is my nightmare

Going on nights out

and hanging out with friends

Social anxiety is one of the things I struggle with most. Being in groups or meeting new people can be so hard for me, if you know me it might sound weird me saying it but it’s not easy for me. It sounds weird because I have a wide circle of friends from across the world and I spent a lot of time in groups; especially around London; but what you may not know is I felt uncomfortable the majority of the time. Most of my friends I have met through freerunning, and that’s why we have hung out; to train. Without freerunning I probably wouldn’t have many friends, and I definitely wouldn’t go out as much as I have; that probably is because most of my freerunning friends are just like me and don’t like going out.

Well that’s a lie

I do like going out

I just get nervous

and struggle to interact with people

Apparently I’m very good at hiding it but I get so uncomfortable going out; especially to new places and with new people. Even if I’m with my friends, if I’m going to a new place I don’t interact with them, I have to completely analyse my surroundings and all the little details no one cares about before I even loosen up a little bit; I will stare at cracks in the wall, positions of signs, just stupid things like that and I will shut myself off from people. I especially do this with new people and observe everything about them and how they interact both physically and verbally. Usually I’ll have to walk off or spend a lot of time alone afterwards. It’s so hard to explain but I just get nervous and shut off from everyone.

I’m not always like it

Sometimes I’m normal and just deal with it

but other times it petrifies me

and I freeze

I would enjoy going out more; going down the pub, to clubs; doing normal things with normal people; but it’s just not practical! I am much more suited to staying at home and working or going exploring new places on my own then I am in groups. Right now it’s really hard for me to feel comfortable with people because if I only see my friends when I’m out freerunning with them but I have almost no time to go out freerunning then how do I see my friends? I don’t. It really makes me question if they are actually my friends; ever since I became as busy as I am now; I never see them, we don’t speak and I never get invited out. It’s like I have been forgotten. Usually my blogs finish with a happy ending but I honestly don’ know what else to write so that’s it.

To summarise;

I don’t go out much

I don’t have friends

People scare me

There is no happy ending.

I’m Bipolar, Get Me Out of Here!

Just like everyone else

Sometimes I need time alone

To think over things and clear my mind

I need to get away

Rushing thoughts make it hard for me to get away from day to day life, mania makes me want to but depression takes away all motivation to. If you put the three together you have someone who needs some time alone in a busy life, that can’t wait to get away but has no desire to; this is what I call a downward spiral; the more I want/need to get away, the less able I am to actually do so. I got into the habit before of every time I had a problem I would go to one of many secret places to get away from it all and help me clear my head of all the negative thoughts. I loved it! I could get away to somewhere that only I knew and be by myself appreciating the little things in life.

You said used to

What happened?

Clearly you stopped

So something must have happened!

I did stop, it’s been years since I have been to any of these places, for a few reasons. Number one: I started associating each place with bad things that have happened in my life; what ever they may be. I started going to places and instead of appreciating being alone I started thinking back to the thoughts that I was trying to get away from, making me worse the longer I spent there. Number two: some of the places are quite far away, making it hard to go there regularly. Number three: I Make no time for myself any more; I am either working, writing or studying, I don’t do anything for myself. And my final reason: I started sharing my quiet places with people I cared about. Big mistake! Every single one of the people I have shown my quiet place(s) has stabbed me in the back and walked out of my life.

I haven’t been here in 2 years

Before that I hadn’t been here for a year

But now I’m back

I realise why I used to come here all the time

It has been so long since I just came out on my bike, found my spot, sat down and just relaxed. No music, no noise pollution, no interference; just me and my thoughts. I’m so glad I forced myself out today; technically skipping the sleeping part of my day, but who cares. Don’t get me wrong; I still get reminded of the people and bad thoughts that stopped me coming here but I needed the escape, the silence. 2 years of clogged up thoughts being cleared by the realisation that things can and will get better. I mean look back at all the problems you have had; but you are still here, alive and healthy! You made it. If I have to re-live bad experiences to realise that these things pass I will.

If I could

I would travel to clear my head

It gives me time alone

And puts things in perspective!

I remember when I first went to therapy, they asked me about suicide and I told them the truth for once; then they asked me what stops me killing myself. This was a really hard question to answer, I was silenced for a minute and my mind went blank. Why would they ask this? Were they encouraging me to kill myself if I had no answer? And then it hit me; what is important to me is travelling, that was my answer, I didn’t want to miss out on going to new places! That is what makes me happy. If I could, every time things got tough I would go away to a new and exciting place on my own! Even if it’s for a week because when I get back I know I will have the answer to my problems. But this isn’t always practical, not in the adult world of modern society and full time jobs so I found a way around it; finding my quiet places; but I needed something for when I stopped going to them. This is why I started writing, it is my escape; not physically but mentally; it gives me piece of mind and time to myself, I lose myself with it and have that freedom of thought.

To Summarise;

I have no time

I could travel forever

Never get close to anyone

Sorry for the last hippie paragraph, I’m just trying to relate to people so they read my blogs, relate to me and trust me so I can steal all their monies.

What happens now?!?!

So After depression goes

What happens next?

Are you better?

Don’t be stupid

You aren’t just better, I am still going to have my mood swings; I will still have something happening! Whether it is mania or depression; suicidal tendencies or hyper-sexuality; there is always something there. There is so much happening and it all effects me so much it is hard to know where my ‘normal’ emotions end and my ‘bipolar‘ emotions begin; it just isn’t as straight forward as that. It is always different but you can’t say one feeling is better than another, both sides realistically aren’t good but both sides also have their perks; whether they are obvious or not.

So what you are telling me is

that although you shouldn’t
you like being mentally ill

including depression?

Yes would be the answer to that, so let me explain why. Have you heard the expression ‘ without the bad there is no good‘ (of course you have, everyone has!). Well this applies to my depression, without that I wouldn’t appreciate what I have, I wouldn’t be so hard working and I probably wouldn’t treat people as nice as I do (or at least think I do). It honestly has changed the way I see the world; I hate saying this but I have tried to kill myself, and the fact is I didn’t succeed; but in failing it made me appreciate how amazing life is and this outlook has then taken me across the world, experiencing things I never dreamed I would!

Okay so that’s the depression

I can kinda understand that

but what about the mania?

We know nothing about that

Again, I haven’t really talked about mania much so let me break down what it is like. Mania makes me soo confident in myself and my ability to do anything; I become the most outgoing person ever and everyone loves me; even if they don’t, who cares? I don’t! I get so happy and energetic it is unreal. Now this all seems great which is why it is so common for me to wish I was in a manic state and why most people look forward to it, but it’s not so straight forward; yes you feel amazing, but it gets too much for the people around you. What about the over thinking? Short temper? Racing thoughts? Constant need for attention and stimulation? Even hyper-sexuality? Now you start to see why it is bad, but we will go deeper in another blog.

Okay, okay so it’s good and bad

and it’s always something different

but don’t you want to be normal?

And just not worry about something all the time?

Not at all. Sometimes I might want to feel normal for a bit, or see what it is like for a day, but over-all I wouldn’t change anything. My life has always been about experiences and this has given me so many both good and bad and I feel I am achieving my life to the fullest. I’m not always as happy as I like; or as productive as I strive to be; but if you asked me if I am enjoying my life I would be able to say that I am 100% enjoying my life and I feel like it hasn’t been wasted like some of the people I see in this life.

So to summarise:

I went a bit off topic

I have no idea what happens next (as always)

Bipolar is great

I am better than all of you.

It’s Over

It’s done!

I have waited for this for so long

and it is here

I am no longer depressed!

But Will; you haven’t seemed depressed; you have your down moments but I wouldn’t say your depressed. You see the thing with Bipolar depression (or any depression really) is you can have many swings, whether monthly or daily, and you don’t seem to be in any phase for too long. The truth is this isn’t always the case, especially with depression. You may have many swings into depression and mania and everything else we have talked about but sometimes deep down you are still depressed, you might be acting normal or having swings but the depression is always there in the back of your mind waiting to reveal itself again. This is why most of the things I have told you have been quite down.

So what you’re saying is you have been depressed this whole time

and no one could really tell?

Yes is the short answer

deep down I was depressed.

Ever since I have been writing these blogs there has been an underlying feeling of sadness or even emptiness waiting to show his face whilst hiding between mood swings. This isn’t always the case, sometimes I am just down for a day or two, just popping up here and there; but sometimes it just sits playing on your mind, effecting your every decision and action in day to day life; being hidden by other floating emotions but it sits there playing a very long game. Even while this was happening I had no clue that it was, but then one day it stops and you realise months have passed without feeling like your normal self and you wonder how you didn’t notice.

I didn’t even notice I was depressed

and I’m sure no one else did

but it is smart like that

and it affects every aspect of your life

I’m glad it’s over and I feel normal again but it makes you wonder how things could have been different if I had realised earlier, or if it hadn’t affected me for so long. It also makes me wonder what is to come! Will it be a phase of mania? Will I be normal? Could I fall into depression again unknowingly? I can only find out, and that’s the worst part is not knowing! I can deal with day to day swings; people notice changes in you and react accordingly; I can’t deal with underlying emotions; I don’t know they are there, no one sees them but they can change the way you look at everything, especially choices.

I’m just glad it’s over now

I can’t wait to see what the future brings

but I feel normal again

I felt unconditionally happy for the first time in months!

I can only hope things stay like this, but I actually felt happy without questioning peoples motives behind something, or waiting for something to go wrong because you just know it will! Nope none of that, I was just in that moment happy with the way everything had fallen into place and it seemed like nothing could possibly go wrong. I have missed this feeling. I’m not sure I’ll be able to write about much more of what is happening with my bipolar like I have been if it isn’t going to effect me so much but I will keep writing about it so if you have anything you want to know, anything you want me to write about, anything at all feel free to message me and I will try to write about it best I can. I just want to say thank you to my readers for taking time out of their day to try and learn, understand and make the world a better place.

To summarise:

I am not depressed any more

No one even knew

Not even me

I love you guys!

I got a tattoo

Many people ask me
“So Will, what is your favourite animal?”

Well it is two polar bears of course!

“Oh, why two?”

They are my bipolar bears! I used this joke so many times, my friends will know. I like the joke so much (even though it’s a terrible joke) that I got it tattooed onto my chest. Now to many people that probably seems stupid but all I have to say is I’m stupid. One of the best ways I deal with the fact I’m bipolar is I make fun of myself for it. Since I found out I had it I have been using that very joke, even using it to break the news to people; but you know what? It worked. It was an easy way to let people know something that isn’t an easy thing to bring up, especially when you don’t understand it yourself.

If you don’t take the piss out of yourself

Others will

So might as well just laugh it off

And stop being a moany little bitch

Why bother getting offended by people making jokes about things you can’t change? As if I don’t have enough to deal with, even before I take Bipolar into account. Between my two jobs, studying and keeping my fitness, freerunning and socialising; there is enough stress in my life to be easily offended (I say this now, while being in a fairly chirpy mood but wait till I get down and get offended by everything! Hypocrite 101). My point is if you can’t change something, have a laugh about it; why go out of your way to be miserable when you can be happy, and I knowingly say this despite being down and easily offended all the time but when I’m not down, I will joke about the fact that I was just down.

Okay, yeah joke about it

But don’t brand it on your chest

Tattoos are permanent you know?!?

2 words: Piss Off

I love my tattoo, it is amazing, so thank you Ash from Grace Tattoos; you have done an amazing job. It was a major change in my life and has explained so much. It has become a part of my day to day life whether I like it or not, so why would I worry about having a picture representing it on my chest? Something that I can look at and appreciate how far I have come, yet to go and all of the amazing memories along the way. It represents a struggle that I have overcome and controlled, it is a part of me and it won’t go away so yes I know tattoos are forever, but you know what? So is bipolar.

Aren’t you scared that people will judge you?

What about getting a job?

Don’t you worry about how it could effect your future?

The short answer is: No.

People can and will judge me, they always have and always will; that my friend is modern society. And as far as getting a job goes I’m not going to go into a job interview and take my shirt off so stop asking stupid questions you muppet. It won’t really effect my future, other than the fact that I will now be even more appealing to the opposite gender. I feel like I am a very lucky person in regarding to the people I know, the support I get and the job I have. My manager knows about my illness and has said it doesn’t effect my job; I work through it, I work hard and it pays off.

To Summarise:

Bipolar Bears

Stop getting so offended

Don’t ask stupid questions

I appreciate you all.

 

Relationships and Bipolar

Now this one might gain some interest

This is probably one of the most asked about topics

And this one isn’t going to be as well written

mainly because I wrote it on a coach with a lack of sleep

It’s hard for me, getting close to people is so hard! I feel this need for an attachment to be formed with people and it always gets broken for multiple reasons; the first is people don’t like to form attachments as quickly as I do! I rush into everything to try and stop myself being left alone again, but it always back fires. No one wants to meet up and instantly be in a relationship, why would you? Once I have formed an attachment it is even harder to keep, with my mania comes rushed thoughts, over confidence and not thinking about consequences, mania is probably the deal breaker.

What about depression?

How does that affect it?

You realise you are alone

So alone.

With depression comes jealousy, over thinking and a lack of interest in trying to change things; especially bad situations; it’s draining, constantly forming and breaking attachments. I tend to let bad things happen and just carry on trying to be a robot just because its got to be easier right? I avoided relationships for so long but I got really lonely and needed someone to care for. But being in relationships that don’t live up to my high expectations is even lonelier; it makes you realise just how alone you really are.

I’m not just talking about dating either

It can effect everyday relationships

Like friends and family

And is just as negative

This relationship complex isn’t exclusive to dating and partnership either, it is any kind of relationship, whether it is friends, family or colleagues, the consequences are the same. I struggle to maintain an honest relationship with people. I avoid telling people the truth; especially abut how I feel, and sometimes lie, not just to them, but to myself to try and make things easier. I have lost so many people in my life that I have cared about in the whole relationship spectrum, people have come in and out of my life so much leaving nothing but loneliness.

Surely you have someone to talk to though?

Best friends?

Family members?

Some form of support?

Even the ones that are still in my life I struggle to talk to about my illness in depth, I hate the attention around it whether good or bad and I struggle to accept support for the exact same reason! I’m scared of people now. I have such high expectations of the good that is in everyone and it just never pans out, there is no gold at the end of the rainbow, there is no end to this constant cycle. Even my family don’t know how hard it is for me, they learn the same as you, through my blogs, without this I wouldn’t talk about it at all.

Do the blogs help?

They do and they don’t

I am like any writer

I show you what I want you to see

Even in these blogs I tone them down and sometimes don’t post whole blogs because I don’t want people to see too deep into me. I can’t help it, I put so much trust into these blogs and how deep I go and it scares me! Each time I write I go deeper and deeper and tone it down less and I’m scared people will start to know me too well and what started as a way to express myself will back fire in a way that people will start to manipulate me and toy with my emotions. I guess I’m just paranoid.

To Summarise:

Relationships are hard

I’m so lonely

I lie in my blogs

I’m really paranoid

I got attacked!!!

So………

I was on my way to a film shoot

minding my own business

and as I walked into the tube station

I suddenly got attacked!

I was on my own in the middle of a busy tube station and it hit me! Anxiety. I now know why it is called an attack. Like many other things anxiety isn’t massively spoken about when it comes to bipolar and yet is a big part of it. I can’t count how many times I have been just walking around and all of a sudden I get uneasy and nervous about my surroundings and then out of no where my heart is racing, I’m panicking and I get paranoid. You kind of get used to it after a while; I mean it’s never pleasant but you kind of get it done with and carry on. This time however was different; I have never felt like this before in my life; EVER!

Recently they have become more frequent

More intense

Completely uncontrollable

and it’s scary!

You never know when it might happen! This one for instance was in a tube station; there was no where to run, no where to hide; completely surrounded by people. All of a sudden I get really uneasy, my heart starts racing; breathing like darth vader. Next thing I know I have been reduced to tears sitting on the floor while my arms and hands were twitching uncontrollably; I felt like everyone was staring at me (which they probably were) and I got so paranoid I even thought this one guy was going to push me onto the tracks. It was one of the scariest experiences I have ever had, and I climb on cranes for a laugh…. I don’t know what caused it but recently they are happening more and more, each time worse than the last.

It reminded me of the fear when I first experienced it

It sticks out in my mind

More vivid than my first kiss

More than most things to be honest

I was in Kingston with a group of friends, it was the first time I was allowed to go that far from home on my own, I was so excited. I had an amazing day training and hanging out with old and new friends alike. It felt like nothing could go wrong, but it did. People had started going home until there was about 4 of us left and all of a sudden I get uneasy, my heart rate jumped up out of my chest and I started shaking. I thought someone had drugged me, I didn’t know what to do so I started to run. I didn’t know where but I had to get away. After a while I managed to find a little quiet alleyway to hide in where I wouldn’t be disturbed. I just wanted to be in the safety of my home. After experiencing a few more problems I went to the hospital to get checked out. I was in and out for around a year or two getting different blood tests and wearing heart rate monitors for up to a week at a time, all with no conclusion but I know what it is now. (ish, I feel there is more to it still)

You don’t have to be bipolar to get anxiety attacks

I should know

I have seen my fair share

And I hoped I helped them at the time

There was one time, sharp in my mind, that I will share with you. I was going out with this girl (yes, it is the same one I pulled a knife on funnily enough) and we were exploring an abandoned hospital (amazing date I know) when all of a sudden a fox jumped out and ran off. Needless to say it made me jump but I wanted to see where it went so I started following it, when I looked back to see my now ex girlfriend in a ball on the floor flooded with tears. What do you in this situation? It’s not an easy one to answer; mainly because no one has ever tried to help me through an anxiety attack; so I don’t even know what helps. I looked in her eyes and got her to take deep breaths and count to ten. While doing so I went on to describe an amazing time we had shared and put all her focus on that. Who knew ten seconds could be so long?!? I must say I did feel a strong attachment to her that day ( I am not going to say it was love but it could have been) All I can do is hope I helped, but we will never know.

To Summarise;

I didn’t get attacked

I get scared and cry for no reason

My first kiss isn’t important

Although I pulled a knife on her, I feel I was a good boyfriend.

Help Yourself

We’ve all been there

Trying our best to help someone

and they throw it back in your face

and we think why do we bother

We all know we have been on both sides of this story. I know I have. Recently I have been trying to help my mum get into fitness, it’s a big part of my life and my dad even follows a programme I wrote for him. But my mums just not getting it, always complaining about being fat (which she isn’t) and yet not doing what I advise her to! I have written her out a programme, offered to help her with her diet and even train with her IF I have the time (which is very rare for me). And yet she hasn’t done any and makes excuses like you won’t help me and I track my calories in my head, she started running but gave up because she keeps tripping up.

I have tried my best to help

it’s not always possible to live up to demands

But I have tried

and my advise hasn’t been used

Now I was alright with my advise being taken, I mean it is a choice; hence it being advice; obviously it kinda sucks but it’s no big deal. My issue is the complaining about not getting results when you aren’t helping yourself! Complaining gets you no where, you make up excuses but if you really wanted something you would work towards it. Again I could deal with this. What makes it worse is that she then turns round and says she is doing something detrimental to her health in order to achieve results; this will get you nowhere. You may start to see results quick but after a while you will plateau, feel like crap all the time and it can be the start of major mental health issues and body dysmorphia. How did it get to this point? I have tried to help, what more can I do? I work in fitness and lead by example, I improved my diet and train almost every day, what went wrong? The truth is you can’t help someone that doesn’t help themselves!

You can offer your help

But if they don’t take it

you can’t do anything

But I’m just as bad for doing this

It took me a while but I did find out I had a mental health issue, I didn’t want to accept it for so long even though my friends told me I did. I refused their help and lost some friends because they couldn’t deal with me. It sucked! When I finally thought I was getting out of hand I reached out for help, I went to the doctors and started going to therapy without telling anyone. It was a few months down the line before people found out; but by that time I had already stopped going. I wasn’t helping myself, the help was their, the therapist trying their best to help but I didn’t take it. I ended up lying to my therapist for a few weeks so I could get discharged before I got an official diagnosis (to get this can take years by the way, I didn’t want to be put through that). I didn’t want to take medication, or go to any more therapy sessions, I didn’t want help! But whether I want it or not I need it and yet I still don’t go. I’m hoping eventually I get round to getting help but I just don’t know when it will happen.

We have all done it

whether it is relationship advise

or lifestyle choices

We all turn down good advice

Are you honestly going to tell me you haven’t? Well then you are a liar! Everyone; and I mean everyone; knows that they are doing something detrimental to their health and refuse to get help or take advice. There are so many examples I could give you but there is no point because you could give me just as many. We are all scared; scared of change, scared of being different, but most of all scared that we are wrong. Why would we want to be corrected? Being open to correction means making ourselves vulnerable, and many people are not willing to do that. A quote I like is “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson. We have to learn to accept peoples help if we want to improve instead of feeling insulted.

To summarise;

This isn’t about Bipolar

I just had to write about it

We are all hypocrites

And nobody wants to be corrected