So what is a guy like me scared of
There must be something?!?
And there is!!
Heights scare the living daylights out of me! Or at least they used to. It sounds weird, a freerunner being scared of heights but it’s true! I call it facing my fears. What better way to get over being scared of heights than being up high; climbing on cranes and buildings; but you know what, I’m still scared! I will always be scared but I learn to deal with it better. But that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about a fear of mine I have never learnt to deal with; one I probably never will; but we will get around to that. I have never told anyone about this fear of mine but it is something that petrifies me.
So what are you scared of
What could possibly be worse than heights
that you can’t overcome
Let me tell you like this
As a kid I had this dream, it seemed so real and is the clearest dream I’ve ever had; I can remember it till this day as clear as day almost 10 years later, I actually still have this dream sometimes. I am in bed and for some reason my floor is black and white chequered; call for someone to come help me and its a good 5 minutes of shouting before anyone comes, my dad is at the door and I ask him to come talk to me and help me but he is just at the door saying I’m fine. He finally agrees to come over but as he is walking over the room is getting bigger and he just can’t get to me. He apologises and leaves as I burst into tears on my bed; feeling isolated and alone.
That’s my biggest fear
contradicting my last blog
I’m scared of being isolated
I hate the feeling of being all alone, with no one to turn to. The worst part is this is an irrational fear, a phobia if you must. I have plenty of people in my life I can talk to and ask for help but it’s not that easy. When I am upset or depressed, anxious or even manic sometimes I start to feel alone. It makes my heart sink and I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel like I need someone there for me; even if they aren’t physically there. But that’s it; sometimes they are physically there; but to me they aren’t.I could be having a meltdown in the same room as you and I would hide it, not let you know and feel like I’m on my own completely. All I could want is someone to be there and it’s like I don’t realise that you are. Even if no one is; I will look through all my contacts, facebook friends and think to myself that I can’t talk to any of them because that’s how alone I am.
It’s like I’m trapped in my own mind
trying to escape and reach out
but my body has locked me out
and isolates me from everyone
I shut myself off and try to hide in a corner so I am in a physical position of what I emotionally feel. While I do this it’s like my brain is screaming out to me to talk to someone and tell them about it, a voice in my head I can’t mute but I still don’t say anything; I can’t, it just doesn’t happen; it’s like a sense of paralysis. After it has passes I still don’t say anything; just carry on as if nothing had happened; because no one needs to know how scared I am to reach out and ask for help; or even worse how I feel I need to! It’s hard to explain but basically I get so lonely and want to talk to someone but my body doesn’t let me so my brain screams out for me to just do it while I shut down and cry usually; but what can you do. It’s like I’m trying to face my fear of isolation and loneliness by putting my self in a state of isolation and loneliness……..
I climb stuff because I’m scared of heights
I contradict myself on a daily basis
In my mind is a cage for me
Shhh I’m writing (he says sitting in an empty house all alone)